Tough day

This morning was not fun. Pim blew his nose so hard at 6.45 that he woke up the whole house. After waking up three times during the night as well ánd not feeling great, feeling nauseous, I just wanted to stay in bed for the rest of the day.

It was one of those Corona-mornings, as I like to call them. Those mornings that you wake up and think: another day that will look exactly the same as the other days this whole year. Not a great start. Normally a nice walk would help me, especially with this beautiful sun. But the temperature of under 10 Fahrenheit didn’t really appeal to me to have a long walk outside. It is one of those mornings that made me think of the days before having kids. I love my kids to death, but boy, do I wish sometimes I could just go back to those days that you can do WHATEVER you want to do, EAT whatever you want to eat, WATCH whatever you want to watch etc. Back in Holland, after the kids were born, Erik and I still planned weekends away at least 2, but sometimes up to 4 times a year. With the help off grandparents, aunts and uncles and our friends Elke & Rik who then took the kids for that weekend so that we could have some quality time together. On top of that I had at least once a month that I would have a date with a friend, having dinner or even a whole day with a friend, visiting a spa (which does not cost as much as here in Amerika might I say). And the year before moving to Raynham, I even went on vacation with my friend Joyce, a whole week to the sun in an all inclusive hotel, without husbands and without kids. My husband would rather go snowboarding with friends on another occasion. I am pretty sure that Joyce and I would’ve made it an recurring thing if I wouldn’t have moved to Raynham😊. I know that I’m definitely privileged being able to do that kind of stuff, but boy, do I miss it these days. Since we moved here Erik and I barely had any dates together, let alone weekends without the kids. And full disclosure, that is one of the things that we are very much looking forward to moving back to Holland. (We off course hope that the family have missed the kids so much that they want to have lots of sleep overs lol;-)).

I really miss it more these days with Corona. Even though my work as PTO president is a very demanding and busy job, I do realize that it is totally different from having a “real” job. I can pretty much do things in my own time, making it possible to work a lot at night when the kids are in bed and being there for them during the day. I off course also worked a lot when they would be in school. Not having a boss demanding things from me makes it very different too than when I would have one. But Corona has changed that all and there is barely any time left for myself. My Me-time now mainly consists of doing groceries, taking a walk on my ow and sit in my car around the corner for a little bit longer after coming back from groceries etc. Just listening to some music, scrolling through Social Media or calling friends.

This is by the way not a complain post. But I did promised you to take you on my journey, and this is part of that too. Also I think lots of moms (parents) can relate to this blog and the feelings I am penciling down here. Unfortunately, I hear from several people that feel they can’t or shouldn’t complain because they are healthy and haven’t lost anyone (thank goodness). But I don’t agree on that at all! I think everyone is entitled to having those feelings and it can be really helpful to talk about it. It doesn’t mean you are not thankful to be healthy or that you haven’t lost anyone. But it can definitely help to talk about those feelings. This has been a very challenging year (can’t believe it almost has been a year already) and so so many things have changed in our lives. I like to believe that a lot of good has come out of it too, but a lot of pain as well for many people.

I, for one, feel very lucky to be able to spend so much time with my family here. When I said at one point a few months ago that I would be happy that this sucking year would be almost over, Pim responded to me that he didn’t think it was nice to say that, he even almost got a little angry with me saying that. When I asked him to explain to me what he thought, he said that he loved it that we were together so much because of Corona. It is nice to hear different perspectives, especially from those little ones that I think experience things so differently from us adults (both in positive as in negative ways.)

We especially feel very lucky to have decided not to return to Holland last December (what we have considered because the schools would all be open fulltime in Holland despite Corona, and here in Raynham it wasn’t clear what would happen at that point). As we speak Holland is in full Lockdown since half December, since this weekend also having a curview between 9pm and 4:30 am. You can only have one visitor a day etc etc. As everyone in Holland was very used to having the kids in school since August, it is a big change and huge challenge for a lot of people to work from home and help the kids. And then I am not even talking about the parents that have the youngest kids around as well as the daycares are not open either. It really is a challenge to keep all balls in the air (is that even an English saying? I translated from Dutch😊).

If we would’ve moved to Holland I probably wouldn’t have had a job yet, but I would’ve been looking for one for sure. Also, it is frustrating enough not to be able to see your friends and family, but we find it a lot easier not being able to see our Dutch family and friends while still being here. It would be a lot harder to be so close to them after so long and not being able to see them at all. As time is moving on though, we are also wondering how the world would look in 6 months, after we have returned to Holland. Will it be safe enough to hug our family and friends at the airport when we return? By the time we return, we have not seen them all for 2 years and a lot of things have happened this past year. We don’t know, we can’t know. We will take it as it comes and are at least a bit positive with the vaccines being rolled out at this point.

For now I am gonna post this blog, because why not?! Being vulnerable is a scary thing for sure but I have learned in the past that it is also a beautiful thing. A lot of beautiful, open and honest conversations come from it. I have always been an open book, what you see is what you get pretty much. So today is not my best day no. But tomorrow will be a new day! I won’t do as much today, I will have a phonecall with Joyce today, maybe we should chat about where we would like to go on a mommy-vacay after I return and after the whole Corona shitshow allows us again. We don’t know if we can and will, but dreaming and hoping is good and helps us get through tough times. Especially in these challenging times.

For everyone else who is struggling today, tomorrow or whenever. You are not alone! Call me if you want to, having a chat with a friend can help! Hang in there everyone!

Talk soon! XOXO